Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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