Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
