Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
