The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just gift wrapped bread.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
