The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize