yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
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