I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
