his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
