Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
This is the high leading the old right now
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
