i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
