I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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