I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize