I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
