Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize