I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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