You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
pop tarts are not kleenex
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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