I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
