So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
