I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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