I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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