You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It was confusing and full of hummus
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
