she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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