So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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