So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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