I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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