apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She bit a glass in half.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
