Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
