That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
