i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
operation have a gay friend backfired
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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