Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
