2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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