The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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