Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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