hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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