All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
