it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
