the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize