I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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