Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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