I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
