hell yes lets make some ravioli
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
did you just send me my own nude
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
