I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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