I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
