Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
