I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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