my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
