You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
