I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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