Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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