I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize