I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
