you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
