im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
