Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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