Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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