On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
