Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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