dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
