He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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