The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
