My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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