went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
