Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm both gender and math confused
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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